"So, what's your OCD thing?"

We're not just switch flippers.

You tell someone that you have OCD, and often that person's response is, "Oh, so what do you OCD about?" 

Please stop casually asking this question.

Don't feel bad if you have done it before... it seriously happens all the time.  I get it actually, and it's kind of sweet in a way.

Based on a basic understanding of OCD, you think I'm a little quirky.  Expecting that my answer will be related to hand washing or checking the toaster three times, why not ask? 

What you don't realize is that based on the reality of OCD what you have really just asked me is, "What are your biggest and most shameful worries and fears and how are you irrationally coping with them?"

Compulsions like hand-washing are performed in response to obsessions - major worries and fears that incessantly taunt their victims.  Some people with OCD do not even have observable compulsions and are mainly plagued by the obsessive thought aspect.  These issues do not make for light, casual conversation.

The "What's your OCD thing?" question reveals how little the average person knows about what OCD really is.  To be fair to the average person, even doctors don't always know.  Yesterday at my annual physical when I mentioned OCD to my new doctor she asked a similar question.  This is an educated woman with a degree in medicine, and her question showed me how surface-level psych training must be for family doctors. 

It's a tragedy that there is so little general knowledge on OCD, but there are still ways to be supportive to someone who reveals this part of their mental health history to you.  Here are four quick tips:

1.  If a coworker or acquaintance mentions that his OCD is bothering him, try asking how you can support him. 

2.  If a good friend tells you that she has OCD in private, admit that you do not know much about it but that you are there to listen to whatever she wants to share.  Try to let her control the conversation and what she reveals.

3.  In serious discussions of mental health with anyone, try to respond intentionally without casually brushing it off, making assumptions or cracking jokes.

4. Remember that it is okay to realize that you are in over your head.  Even therapists aren't experts on every mental health problem!  If a friend reveals something to you that you think may be a sign that this person is losing control and could be in danger or dangerous, admit that you are not an expert and try to get help from someone who is!

A Letter on How Not to Break Up With Someone With Anxiety

To Whom it May Concern:

Here's my Dear John letter...

Dating and relationships are hard.  When one of the partners has a mental illness, it can complicate things even further.

Just because the person you're seeing has anxiety does not mean that you have to stay with that partner for the rest of your life.  However, it does mean that there are certain moves you should absolutely avoid during the breakup process.  

Here are my top four tips of what NOT to do when breaking things off with a person who has anxiety.  (Please note that these apply whether you are dating men or women, but just so I can stay grammatically correct without repeating "him or her," I'm just going to refer to the anxious person as her.  I am a lady after all!)

1. Do not ghost the person.  Ghosting is when you just stop replying to someone with no explanation rather than break things off.  To avoid an uncomfortable discussion, you just go AWOL.  This is cruel and selfish to do to anyone, but it is especially horrible to do to an anxious person.  One of the worst parts of having anxiety is the worrying about uncertain outcomes.  It may seem silly, but the pain and discomfort of worrying can be ten times worse than just knowing the worst is true!  Don't let her sit there restlessly waiting for a text, holding on to smaller and smaller slivers of hope as the time passes...Just let her down gently.  It's not that she wouldn't ultimately connect the dots, it's that you are prolonging the suffering.

2. Do not tell the person it is because of the anxiety. I am sure it took a lot for this person to share this aspect of life you.  If you bring it up in the breakup, it means you either completely lack sympathy or have not even taken the time to consider the implications.  You literally just gave someone who you already feel is too anxious one more thing to be anxious about.  Stop and think!  When you say this you are also basically admitting to breaking up with someone for an illness, so you are making yourself sound terrible.

3. Do not postpone the breakup while insisting everything is fine.  More likely than not, your partner knows that your feelings have changed and can sense that something is different.  She likely struggles with differentiating between her own intuition and her anxiety, and she may be particularly sensitive to changes in behavior as she is prone to considering worst case scenarios.  This lady often suspects the worst when it isn't there, so don't let her feel "crazy" for a time when she's actually right.

4. Do not tell everyone your ex was "nuts" or "crazy".  Most mental health struggles are very personal and likely did not really harm you in any major way, so there is no need to try and trash her name when she is just trying her best to work through her own stuff.  She shared personal details with you that should neither be ridiculed or gossiped about.  Now, if she tried to burn down your house or get you fired from your job... I'm not going to blame you for needing to talk and handle that.  However, even in these rare, severe cases, it is better to phrase the issues with empathy, recognizing that she was unstable and really needed help, rather than summing her up as a "lunatic."  

The breakup part of dating is often very painful, and remembering to treat other people with respect in the process is critical.  It is actually kind to follow these four tips even when your partner doesn't have anxiety.  Whatever that person's struggle, while you are breaking a heart try your best not to pour salt in the wound.  Avoid carelessness and choose compassion.

Sincerely,

Laura

Poetry & Mental Health

As an English major, I always enjoyed poetry - the way wordplay and rhythm can come together to make you smile, hurt, laugh and cry. Poetry often focuses on emotion, giving it a natural connection to mental health. Poems are such a unique way to connect with the experiences of the poet, and they can articulate feelings you may have trouble expressing yourself.  It can also be cathartic for the authors, as writing poetry becomes a type of therapy. (For more information on the therapeutic benefits of writing, check out this article from the American Psychological Association.)  

Recently, I came across two poetry books by Cleveland authors that delve into the gamut of human emotions: Angeline Walsh's Bad Psychiatry: and Other Aptly Themed Poems and Eric Dettelbach's Lyrics for Lucid Dreamers.  As a disclaimer, I am not being paid by either author to discuss these books.

Walsh is a young woman who contacted me after finding my OCD blog on Facebook.  Many of her poems touch on the pain of mental illness, but she also has poems that focus on hope and happiness.  Written over years (she told me that one of my favorite pieces, "Weathering it All," was written when she was just seventeen), her poems reflect the ups and downs of life.  While some were clearly written from a dark place, others reflect a joy of spirit.  

Dettelbach's book is not directly focused on mental health, but like Walsh's touches on the emotional highs and lows that come with moving through life.  He is actually a coworker of mine, and I helped him type up years of notes to put together his book.  It was interesting to see the different tones from poem to poem, again ranging from despair to delight.  His focus on relationships - from romantic encounters to the experience of adopting a dog - highlighted just how much our connections with others can impact how we feel and who we become.

Though these authors lead very different lives (different genders, ages, marital statuses), they share so much.  It's easy when we are going through a tough time or having a mental health issue to feel so alone.  I'm so glad there are writers out there putting their feelings into words and sharing these experiences that show how alike we all are.  We see their pain, but we also see their perseverance and growth.

Publishing a book - especially a collection of personal poems - takes guts. Letting yourself be vulnerable isn't easy, and I applaud them both for the triumph of putting themselves out there.