What would an OCD song sound like?

Happy to skip these tracks

"What would an OCD song sound like?"  my coworker asked last week.  He's a music man and often connects experience with sound.  We had a brief discussion about it, and he concluded, "That's something you could blog about."

So here we are.  I've seen articles on music related to mental health before, and there are certainly some great songs about what it's like to have mental illness.  I also know that music can be therapeutic.

Still, given music's power to inspire feelings, it was interesting to consider how the traumatic parts of OCD would SOUND.

My mind immediately went to horror film soundtracks.  This is fairly logical, as OCD and anxiety play on fear, but certain songs seem to capture this kind of fear better than others (The Exorcist has a great theme, for example, but it doesn't match).  That said, here are my top three picks for songs that capture the feeling of experiencing OCD.

3.  Halloween Theme

One of the best horror movie themes of all time, the progression of the song also really fits the feeling of when anxiety and OCD combine.  The song starts out frantic, reminding me of that alert that comes over me - the general sense that something is wrong.  Then a more sinister sound drops, just like the feeling in the pit of your stomach when your OCD finds a target and the worrying begins.  

2. Psycho Theme

The incessant, alarm-like sound of the classic Hitchcock theme captures the discomfort of being hit by an unexpected OCD trigger and feeling unable to get the thought out of your mind. The thoughts are repetitive and feel inescapable, just like the loud blaring of this song.

1.  Jaws Theme

If there is a song that better captures OCD's sense of impending doom, I haven't heard it.  Like OCD, the theme starts out slow and foreboding and builds to nightmarish panic.  Intrusive thoughts can work the same way. One frightening thought comes along like a beat.  It would be harmless on its own, but soon your mind repeats and builds up the thought until you feel barraged and overwhelmed by worry, questions and concern.

I'd love to hear other people's opinions on this subject.  If you have OCD or suffer from any other mental illness, can you think of a song that sounds the way it feels?

"So, what's your OCD thing?"

We're not just switch flippers.

You tell someone that you have OCD, and often that person's response is, "Oh, so what do you OCD about?" 

Please stop casually asking this question.

Don't feel bad if you have done it before... it seriously happens all the time.  I get it actually, and it's kind of sweet in a way.

Based on a basic understanding of OCD, you think I'm a little quirky.  Expecting that my answer will be related to hand washing or checking the toaster three times, why not ask? 

What you don't realize is that based on the reality of OCD what you have really just asked me is, "What are your biggest and most shameful worries and fears and how are you irrationally coping with them?"

Compulsions like hand-washing are performed in response to obsessions - major worries and fears that incessantly taunt their victims.  Some people with OCD do not even have observable compulsions and are mainly plagued by the obsessive thought aspect.  These issues do not make for light, casual conversation.

The "What's your OCD thing?" question reveals how little the average person knows about what OCD really is.  To be fair to the average person, even doctors don't always know.  Yesterday at my annual physical when I mentioned OCD to my new doctor she asked a similar question.  This is an educated woman with a degree in medicine, and her question showed me how surface-level psych training must be for family doctors. 

It's a tragedy that there is so little general knowledge on OCD, but there are still ways to be supportive to someone who reveals this part of their mental health history to you.  Here are four quick tips:

1.  If a coworker or acquaintance mentions that his OCD is bothering him, try asking how you can support him. 

2.  If a good friend tells you that she has OCD in private, admit that you do not know much about it but that you are there to listen to whatever she wants to share.  Try to let her control the conversation and what she reveals.

3.  In serious discussions of mental health with anyone, try to respond intentionally without casually brushing it off, making assumptions or cracking jokes.

4. Remember that it is okay to realize that you are in over your head.  Even therapists aren't experts on every mental health problem!  If a friend reveals something to you that you think may be a sign that this person is losing control and could be in danger or dangerous, admit that you are not an expert and try to get help from someone who is!

A Perfect Wedding Weekend

Guest's-Eye View.

May 19, 2018 was the day I had waited for my whole life: Wedding Day.

Naturally, as someone with anxiety and OCD, I spent a lot of time leading up to the wedding worried about all of the things that could go wrong.  

Well, the Saturday of the wedding a lot of those worries came true and then some.  For example, it POURED after I decided that we should get married outside (because surely the rain would hold out).  The chuppah and multiple floral arrangements were completely destroyed and my hair had significantly fallen by the time of the service from the humidity.  During the ceremony, the rabbi read the wrong traditional vows (not the ones we had chosen) and a baby babbled throughout, distracting me from our personalized vows.  The cake looked nothing like the picture, and the DJ started our choreographed dance before we were ready so we started off balance. 

But guess what?  Even though many of my fears were realized, it was still a perfect weekend.

I am not going to lie to you and say that I did not get upset when some of these things occurred.  I felt so many things that weekend...  Happiness.  Nostalgia.  Lucky. Angry.  Amused.  Sad.  Overwhelmed.  Excited. Grateful.  Anxious.  

But the overarching feeling was love: love for Nathan, love for family, and love for friends.  Even as the blunders piled up, nothing could ultimately overtake the overwhelming joy at the significance of the day.

My OCD and anxiety crept in of course, especially on Sunday.  My anxious brain was doing what it normally does and I found myself very focused on the negative.  I was frustrated and angry at myself for choices I had made that caused problems (like not calling for an indoor ceremony).  I was also feeling guilt and self-loathing at the anger and frustration I had experienced on what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life.  

My sister Linda (the maid of honor) really helped calm me down.  With OCD, it is common to judge and doubt yourself for your thoughts and feelings.  She reminded me that my feelings were all very natural and that overall the day was wonderful.  She suggested that I make a list of all the fun, wonderful details from the day so that I would not forget them.  

Watching the Royal Wedding early in the morning with my Mom, sister, and bridesmaid Katie... Being surprised by morning chocolate strawberries Nathan sent to the suite... eating chicken nuggets with my bridesmaids while we were all in curlers getting ready at the hotel... entering the ceremony with my dad and seeing everyone I love watching me walk down the aisle... Nathan and I getting our footing back and nailing our tango... Dancing with my sorority sisters.... Eating cake back in the suite with Nathan after the party.  All of these moments are mine forever.  (I also got some fun details I had missed by asking friends and relatives to share their favorite moments with me.  I recommend all brides collect their own lists!)

Nathan with his new wife, bro-in-law, and sis-in-law.

I pulled myself together ultimately, and that Sunday afternoon was a continuation of a wonderful weekend.  My family, Nathan and I got dressed up again and my bridesmaid Megan took family pictures of us with our dog Gus.  Then, Megan continued to lead mom, Nathan and I on a photoshoot around Cleveland in the perfect Sunday weather.  We captured a lot of photos we never would have gotten otherwise, including shots on the rocks in Lake Erie (Now that the wedding was over, I did not have to worry about the dress getting wet!).

The spot we said our vows on Pearl Island.

In terms of the rabbi reading the wrong vows, Linda also came up with the great idea of privately reading our chosen traditional vows to each other while we were on our honeymoon in the Bahamas.  We made our intended promises on top of a lighthouse on Pearl Island in Nassau... a spot so perfect, another young man proposed to his girlfriend up there that same day. 




My advice to anxious brides is to remember that when the people you love are there, nothing can ruin your wedding.  Enjoy every second of your wedding weekend.  Love is the ultimate triumph.  When you are marrying the right person, you get your fairytale.  The logistics of the weekend will work out.  

Focus on the positive and remember that some of those "errors" can ultimately lead to more beautiful memories.  After all, if the rabbi had not read the wrong vows, we never would have had our moment on top of the lighthouse.

When Your OCD Therapist Retires

Nothing says 'thanks' like a puppy card.

Today was my last appointment with my therapist.

Don't get me wrong, this was not because I have achieved a zen state of perfect well-being and faced all of my demons; this was because she is retiring.

It's a very bizarre experience when your therapist leaves.  Here is this woman that I have spent years confiding in, telling her things that I don't tell even some of my close friends.  She has been there through the ups and downs of my dating saga with my fiancé, leading up to his proposal and into wedding planning... and now *poof* we will never speak again.  I wonder if it's a bit unsettling to her as well in some ways, not knowing what will happen to me and other clients - not getting to finish the story.

She warned me she was retiring about three months ago.  This woman certainly has every right to do so.  I know not to take it personally, and lucky I am stable enough that this isn't a true crisis. Still, it is a frustrating experience in many ways to lose your therapist.

With OCD, and the intrusive thoughts that accompany it, every time you share your story you have to worry about how it will be received.  This is true even when you talk to new mental health professionals, as not all of them are OCD experts.  Mental illness is very vast and mysterious, and a therapist simply can't be an expert in every diagnosis.  The intrusive thoughts trouble you enough, and then when you share them with someone new, you worry and wonder:  Will the person understand?  Will the person panic and think I'm a freak or a monster?  Will the person misinterpret what I'm saying?

I definitely had these fears when I found out my therapist was retiring, and they were compounded when she warned me that there weren't that many OCD specialists in the area... especially female ones.  Given that I prefer to work with a woman as my therapist, I was very worried I may be left to dry.

When we spoke originally about where I would go next, my therapist shared the idea that I could work with someone in her office who was practiced in anxiety and wanted to learn about OCD.  She believed that since currently my OCD was relatively stable, and since I had learned a lot over the years about OCD, I didn't necessarily need a specialist for regular visits.  

Though she suggested I could always get an OCD specialist for emergencies, I didn't want any part of this plan.  My OCD can come on strong seemingly out of nowhere, and I don't want to be a guinea pig for someone just learning about OCD.  The wrong reaction to an OCD crisis could be very damaging.  I've already had an experience with a psychiatrist who seemed to have no idea how OCD worked.  I didn't want to go through that again.

Luckily, I spoke up and I have an appointment booked next week with one of the few female OCD specialists (Always speak up y'all!). My therapist knows her, likes her, and was able to arrange to transfer a number of her clients to her.

So, today was bittersweet.  I gave my therapist her final update on my life, gave her a card with puppies on it that thanked her for everything, and gave her a little gift: three matching notebooks wrapped in a bow, the top of which reads "You are stronger than you think."  I thought this was appropriate, since she always made me feel that way.  I wish her all the best, and I can only hope that next week when I meet my new therapist/OCD spirit guide, that we can connect in the same way.

Bring Your Fiancé To Therapy Day

Life sentence. :)

So, my fiancé who is normally out of town Wednesday mornings happened to be in town a couple of weeks ago when I had a therapy appointment scheduled.  I knew he had been curious about how best to support me when I'm having an OCD or anxiety crisis, so I decided to bring him in to therapy.

While my therapist gave him some nice advice and a good handout with some strategies for coaching me, she also gave him one piece of advice that I did NOT appreciate.  

He told her about a particular instance where I was crying inconsolably at 3 am over something I had no control over and asked her what he could do next time.  She said he could go to another room and go to sleep. 

Are you for real, lady?

Now I understand this perspective if crying in panic was a nightly habit... even if it was a weekly habit or bimonthly habit.  Obviously if someone is irrationally upset and having hysterical breakdowns late into the night on the regular, that person should not expect a partner to stay up and suffer every single time.

But that is not the case with me.  Not even close.  This was a very upsetting circumstance regarding a family member that lead to what I still see as genuinely justifiable sadness for that person's current situation and potential poor prospects for the future.  

When I was crying, did anxiety lead me to catastrophize?  Absolutely.  But in many ways, this situation was a catastrophe without any help from my anxiety-ridden brain.

One of the tragedies of having anxiety and OCD is that you can often fall prey to "Boy Who Cried Wolf" syndrome.  You get anxious and upset often enough that when something is really bad and you are reasonably upset, people tend to still see you as unreasonable.  

My therapist may have many years of experience with anxious patients, but I can tell you what I know based on 28 years of being me:  If my fiancé had gotten up and walked out to sleep on the couch that night while I was panicking, he would not only have had a panicking and upset fiancée at 3 am.  No, that would have quickly transformed into an extremely hurt, angry, panicking and upset fiancée at 3 am.  

I let my fiancé know that I was not okay with the therapist's conclusion on this issue, and we talked it over.  I think he agreed at least in part with my side.  

It is true that you cannot always be the best judge of what you need, but a therapist's advice won't perfectly apply to every situation you have either.  You have to fit that advice into your life in a way that works for you, and try to make strategies and suggestions fit your individual situation.

Ultimately, I'm glad that my fiancé came with me to therapy if only that it opened up more lines of communication on these issues.  I'm very lucky to have a partner with me on my fight against OCD and anxiety.  Navigating these obstacles will be a challenge, but one I know we can face together.

OCD Week and the Importance of Awareness

Sometimes, it's the society that's really insane.

It's 2017 OCD Week!  I can't believe it has been a year already.  Once again, it is time to raise our voices together to try to build more awareness about what OCD really is.

This week comes every year right around Halloween.  I was actually at a haunted house recently that reminded me of how important OCD Week really is.

I hadn't been to a haunted house in like 10 years, but my fiancé and I were looking for something fun and different to do.  And it was fun.  Four different themed haunted houses with pop-out scares... including one simply titled "Insane Asylum."

Now, I'm not one of those people who demands complete political correctness at all times. I understand why the "Insane Asylum" has become a Halloween staple. Mentally ill can sometimes mean unpredictable, which can in turn sometimes mean dangerous, which is something that people fear.  

But the problem is, most mentally ill people are not dangerous; they're just tortured and hurting.  On top of that, a number of the mentally ill people who are "dangerous" are only in danger of causing harm to themselves.

Insane asylums are all but gone at this point, because the scariest part of them was not the patients themselves but how many people were mistreated. If you actually look into the history of "Insane Asylums", it is very disturbing and horrifying... but not in the fun Halloween way.  I had to try and put those realities behind me and just enjoy the rest of the night, facing more "fun" villains like clowns and masked monsters.

But I couldn't help but realize that I have considered committing myself in the past to some sort of mental health facility.  I have never been dangerous, but more than once I have been so scared and overwhelmed by the intrusive thoughts that accompany OCD that I have considered seeking refuge somewhere that intensive treatment could be provided.  

I was lucky enough to have family support.  I had a diagnosis and I had access to outpatient mental healthcare.  I was secure enough in my position that I didn't feel the need to hide that something was wrong or deny that I had a mental illness that needed treatment.  Unfortunately, many are not so lucky.

I know someone who is currently facing serious mental health issues.  She not only clearly struggles with some mental illness, she also deals with some other problems as well.  The worst part is, I'm not sure that she knows life can be any better.  Her family does not discuss such matters.  Their pride and the stigma related to any mental "defect" stop them from dealing with the problems.

I hope that soon we can all get to the point that we stop judging people for the mental problems that they face.  I hope that enough people raise awareness that we stop seeing the mentally ill as haunted house characters, and start to see them as real people.  The less stigma attached to mental illness, the more people will feel like they can come forward and get the help that they need.

Therapy and medication are nothing to be ashamed of.  Whether it is OCD or Schizophrenia or Borderline Personality Disorder... it is okay to admit you have a problem.  Working to become the best person that you can be... acknowledging and facing your shortcomings and making changes to fix them?That's bravery.

Engaged!

I haven't updated in awhile, but that's because things have been very hectic over here.  The good kind of hectic, the ultimate triumph: On August 10th, my boyfriend asked me to marry him.

Dating is rough.  There’s a delicate balance as you get to know someone new… What stories can I reveal on a first date? When is it appropriate to share what memories? Will this person accept me when I reveal who I really am? 

Everyone struggles with these questions, but adding OCD into the mix can take this struggle to the next level. 

The intrusive thoughts that come with OCD are excruciatingly painful to live with and can be even harder to share, especially with a romantic partner. Whether it is the worry that you are a rapist, a murderer, a child molester, a creep, or a fraud… The person with OCD often has difficulty understanding that these thoughts are OCD related and have no basis in reality, so it can seem virtually impossible to communicate that to someone else.  When you want a man to see you as desirable and lovable, the last thing you picture saying while looking into his dreamy bedroom eyes is, “I used to have to avoid knives because I thought if I got too close I was going to stab myself.”

I remember the first time I shared my worst OCD fears with a boyfriend: I was 18 and he was 23. I told him because I felt like he had a right to know how messed up I was.  I laid it out, prepared for him to be disgusted and never look at me the same way again.  Prepared for him to leave.  At the time, I didn’t even want to live with myself, so why would any man ever want to be with me? 

What happened was the opposite of what I expected.  He listened and made a real effort to understand.  He even shared some of his scariest thoughts with me.  Intrusive thoughts may not plague everybody the same way, but they occasionally happen to almost everyone.  My boyfriend didn’t have OCD, but he didn’t have to in order to be empathetic and accepting.  He really loved me and that was enough.

That was 10 years ago.  Since then, I have gone on dates with many different men and even developed close enough love with two of them to share everything.  

Like most things in relationships, it ultimately comes down to trust. Are there men who wouldn’t have understood or even tried?  Absolutely.  Are there men who would’ve made me feel like a freak?  I’m sure.  But what I realized after that first experience was that there are people out there who can understand and who will love me, the real me, OCD and all.

My fiancé's reaction was to do research.  He asked me questions.  He shared where he could relate and admitted where he couldn’t.  He's supportive, loving and understanding of the struggles that I face and accepts them without judgement.

What we have is open and honest and real.  We are free, and we are stronger because of it.  What I would recommend to anyone with OCD is to hold out for the same.  

You're worth it, and it's worth waiting for.  

The Face of Anxiety and OCD

For my dog Gus, anxiety is a squirrel.

For whatever reason, your anxiety and OCD often pick a target.  What follows from exposure to whatever scares you are feelings of fear, dread, and often intrusive thoughts related to that topic.  Whether it's a fear of germs, a fear of harming yourself, or a fear of stepping on cracks... the anxiety takes hold.

What you have to remember though is that the face of anxiety is different for each individual person.

If you don't know someone well (and sometimes even if you do), you often have no idea what sets off his or her OCD and anxiety.  Few of us go around shouting our greatest fears from the rooftops, and our fears don't always follow logical rules.  

For example, someone with harm OCD, who fears they want to hurt others, might not be set off by the stereotypical exposure to dirt, but could be set off by seeing knives.  At a restaurant where most of us are completely carefree and oblivious to the silverware, this person might be close to a panic attack, or feel the need to do certain compulsions to avoid disaster.

The other thing is that a lot of us are pretty good at hiding our inner turmoil.  We try to maintain an image of cool, calm and collected.  When intrusive thoughts are too dark, too scary, or too embarrassing, we want them kept to ourselves and do our best to hide them from the public eye.

So what can you do to be supportive?  Two things stand out to me.

First, don't assume.  When your friend says they have OCD and anxiety, realize that it could mean many different things.  You won't just know what sets them off unless they share.  

Second, if your friend does share, try to refrain from judgement.  Think about your own idiosyncratic fears.  OCD or not, we all have them.  One of my non-OCD fears is that Diet Coke is poison. (Yes, some scientific studies have shown bad effects, but most of my concern with the artificial sweeteners is just based on feeling.)

Just as every person is unique, every manifestation of mental illness is unique.  There is no one face of anxiety and OCD, just like there is no one face of Bipolar Disorder or Schizophrenia.  Those with the same diagnosis share many common threads, but we are ultimately all our own blanket of crazy.  Keep an open mind and remember that you don't have to completely understand to empathize.

nOCD - An App to Tap

We live in the tech age, so why not use that technology for good?

The nOCD app is doing just that:  They're helping OCD patients effectively go through Exposure Response Prevention therapy.

Now you may be asking, what exactly is Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) Therapy?  Well... it's basically the gold standard for OCD treatment and it works just like the title indicates.  You expose yourself to a trigger for your symptoms (one of your obsessions) and then you prevent your normal compulsive response.  

Quick simple example:  If you are obsessively afraid of the germs from touching the floor, maybe the therapist recommends that you touch the floor and then stop yourself from washing your hands and just continue with your day.  

Sound easy?  Well, when your anxiety level is through the roof, stopping yourself from performing a compulsion is anything but.  

This is where nOCD swoops in to help.  It's an easily accessible phone app that can help you with your exposures whenever and wherever you are.  You click on "On-the-Go" help and enter your obsessions and compulsions in real time.  They collect data that can be helpful in discovering things like when you're the most vulnerable to an episode and how intense your episodes are.  

The app also lets you schedule ERP sessions for yourself if you need.  It gives you "Response Prevention Practice" by helping you learn to live with uncertainty.   They even provide distraction if that's what you need, and will send you over to Facebook, Snapchat, or Youtube to help you get out of your own head.

Why do I love this app?

1.  It was created by OCD patients and OCD experts.  It was obviously created with the understanding of what it's really like to live with the disorder, not just theoretical mumbo-jumbo.

2.  It's free for subscribers.  They are helping you without draining your wallet.

3.  You can use it with your therapist.  Since a lot of ERP is done outside of the therapy session, this app can really help show your therapist how your sessions are going.

4.  The creators are just incredibly nice.  After speaking with Stephen Smith, one of the cofounders, and Gagan Bhambra, who works on the app's blog and with social media, I can honestly say that these seem like honest-to-goodness helpful people.  
 

The app is still evolving, and in about a month a huge update is scheduled to come out.  I can't wait to see how this app grows! For more information, you can visit their website: http://www.treatmyocd.com/ or check out their blog at: https://treatmyocdblog.com/

This app is a definite triumph in the advancement of OCD treatment.

Another Year

Let us eat cake!

Last Wednesday was my 27th birthday.  It also marks approximately 8 years since the worst OCD breakdown of my life.

Right before college, when I was about to turn 19, I just lost it.  I couldn't function because the fear from OCD and anxiety was so great.  I thought the intrusive thoughts would never stop. 

I had suicidal ideation - which for those of you outside the psychology world "is a term used by mental health professions to describe suicidal thoughts and feelings (without suicidal actions)." (This definition is from Natalie Staats Reiss, Ph.D. and Mark Dombeck, Ph.D.'s article "Defining Suicide", an interesting read for more information on different aspects of suicide.)  

I was worried that I would feel that way forever.  I didn't think I could handle it for the rest of my life.  

But things got better. 

I got help and have been slowly making progress for years.  I've had my ups and downs, and some of the problems and fears from the past still plague me, but I have better tools to deal with them now.  

So today I feel the triumph of living another year, fighting another day.  Hopefully 27 will be the best year yet.

Time after Time

Innocuous household item or ultimate source of terror?

One of my major OCD fears is about cheating people out of money.  I really do not want any money that I don't deserve.  I mean don't get me wrong, I'm very pro-lottery and other instant influxes of cash... I  just don't want to get overpaid at my job or steal from anyone.

For this reason, I am very scared of clocking in and out at work.  Yes, I am afraid of the clock.  Dun dun DUNNNN! 

Getting to and leaving work can be a stress fest.  I always want to make sure that I get there at least a couple minutes before I'm scheduled to begin and leave at or after my scheduled time.

Yesterday night I was released early, so I left work at ~7:27 pm instead of 8:00 pm.  I know because I texted my sister and have a time stamp (and I did this specifically because I knew I would worry about marking my time sheet wrong because of this deviation from the normal schedule).  

So when I got home, I naturally marked my time sheet for 7:15 pm.  Totally logical!

Why did I cut out those 12 minutes?  Maybe because 7:27 is a weird in-between number.  For sure because if I texted my sister to say I was done, I wasn't working anymore at that moment.  I was texting.  So when did the work really stop?  

See, I can feel absolutely sure I was still at work at 7:15.  And there's nothing better to assuage anxiety than absolutely sure.

What exactly am I worried is going to happen if I get paid for a few extra minutes?  I can tell you what I'm not worried about: getting fired, going to jail, going to hell.  This isn't a fear of punishment at all: the anxiety just surrounds the idea of being a dishonest person.

Cheating myself to assure that I didn't cheat someone else is something I really need to stop.

But probably not today.  Thinking about changing my time card to say 7:27 pm or even 7:20 pm makes my insides cringe.   

Today is the tragedy of 12 minutes.

OCD Intrusive Thoughts

Today, I'd like to clarify a part of OCD that for many people will be unfamiliar.  One of the worst parts about OCD is the phenomena of intrusive thoughts.

Dr. Seif, a clinical psychologist and anxiety treatment specialist, defines intrusive thoughts as "frightening thoughts about what might happen to you or someone you care about, or what you might do to yourself or another person. They seem to come from outside of your control, and their content feels alien and threatening."(1)  I have noticed that my intrusive thoughts can extend to animals as well (who I generally consider as people too!)

Now, everyone has intrusive thoughts sometimes, the problem is when they become totally consuming.  Dr. Hannah Reese for Psychology Today notes that, "When someone becomes very distressed by their intrusive thoughts, goes to great lengths to get rid of them, and prevent them from occurring, this can become a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). People with this 'bad thoughts' form of OCD often avoid things that could trigger these thoughts or being in situations where they might be at risk for acting on a thought."(2)

An example of intrusive thoughts and their repercussions is how my fear of plagiarism has stopped me from writing in the past.  I have the "bad thought" that I might be a cheater, and the anxiety surrounding the thought is so great that I have often avoided writing simply to avoid the thought.

These thoughts can be much more sinister than fears of cheating, and can also include fears of violence and other disturbing deviance.  When I was younger, for example, I was convinced when I passed knives in the kitchen that I might stab myself.  I didn't really want to do it, I was just so scared that I might want to do it that I could not tell the difference between my real thoughts and the OCD thoughts.

One of the worst parts about the anxiety surrounding intrusive thought OCD is that it can blur your memory.  Sometimes, rather than just worry that you might do something bad, you worry that you already have.  You can question the past, every action and every motive that surrounds the worry.  This can be one of the most debilitating parts of the disorder.

I really consider intrusive thoughts to be the ultimate tragedy of OCD.  Intrusive thoughts can make you feel like a terrible person.  When you can't stop thinking about horrible things, it can make you feel like that is what you want to be thinking about.  I hope that as more information comes to light on this phenomena, more people will realize that this is not the case.  These thoughts cause anxiety and suffering rather than joy or pleasure. 

If you or someone that you know is dealing with intrusive thought issues, I highly recommend going to see a therapist to help work through the problem.  Know that you are not alone!  There is no reason to continue suffering in silence. 

-Laura

(1) http://www.drmartinseif.com/resources/intrusive-thoughts.html
(2) https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/am-i-normal/201110/intrusive-thoughts-normal-or-not