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| Off-Brand Zoloft! |
With OCD and anxiety, and off of my medication, things became unbearable. Even before the civil unrest, I was struggling to cope with all the changes and the disappointments. I quit my tutoring job and took on more hours at the appraisal firm I assist at, my husband and I decided to postpone our plans to start a family, I couldn't see my parents or friends like before, we couldn't go to Disney as planned... I was crying. A lot. My anxiety was skyrocketing, and I was feeling depression and hopelessness.
So, after discussing how I was feeling with my therapist, it was clear that it was time to call the psychiatrist and admit that I needed some more help. Here are 5 lessons I've learned getting back on OCD/Anxiety Meds:
1) It doesn't mean you have failed if you need to get back on medicine.
I was off my medicine for almost a year, and up until the COVID-19 crisis, I was actually doing pretty well. I delayed getting back on the medicine because I couldn't help feeling like I was failing. I wanted to be able to just suck it up. I would never judge anyone else for being on medication, but it was hard to practice what I preach. However, I ultimately was able to rationalize that getting a little help from medicine during one of the most stressful periods my generation has ever faced was nothing to feel shame about. Also, I'm able to be on a much lower dose than before. Small victories!
2) It is okay to take things a day at a time.
One of the reasons I got off of medication in the first place is that I want to be off meds for pregnancy if possible, or at least on something that is safer than the meds I was on before. Another reason I delayed getting back on medicine was the feeling that I was making a long term decision and worrying about pregnancy.
However, with COVID-19, our plans to start a family have been postponed at least a year. Worrying about it now is really getting ahead of myself (which my anxiety makes me fantastic at!). My therapist and psychiatrist both assured me that I could taper off again later if I was feeling better, and my psychiatrist started me on something that is better tested for pregnancy in case I still need to stay on it.
3) Something that didn't work years ago may work better now.
When I was in high school, Zoloft worked great for me for years. At one point, I switched from brand name to generic Zoloft and it was a hot mess: lots of sadness and crying. I switched back to Zoloft, but then when I stopped taking it for a bit, it didn't really work the same when I tried to get back on.
When my psychiatrist suggested trying Zoloft again (now approximately a decade later), I was skeptical and I was even more skeptical when I realized I got the generic. However, I'm glad I didn't close myself off to it because its actually working really well now at a fraction of my former dosage. Mental health meds are weird.
4) Side effects are real, but some do taper off!
Even on a dose that is at least a quarter what I've taken in the past, I still experienced some side effects when I started. The first couple of days, I can only describe feeling WEIRD. It just felt like something was wrong. Then, like I've experienced when messing with my OCD meds before, my period was thrown off a bit. However, there was also something very new: I started to have insomnia (the opposite of my norm!). The good news is that after a couple of months, the insomnia has really tapered off and things seem to be regulating back to normal.
5) You can't medicate away a global crisis.
Maybe this is obvious, but it's also important: everyone is feeling anxiety right now. COVID-19 is scary because of the unknowns - and that is what anxiety feeds on. My therapist has reminded me that everyone is struggling right now. With other crises also dominating the news cycle, from racial injustice to unemployment, it would actually be a little concerning if you weren't feeling anxious. Medicine can help you get by, but it won't make these stressors completely disappear.
When you get on an SSRI like Zoloft, it isn't like an immediate change after the first dose. However, when you find the right pill, you do slowly improve. It really is like losing weight... you won't notice a major change night to night, but one day your brain just fits better. I wanted to quit at first because all I felt were the side effects without feeling a benefit. Now, a couple months out, I'm really glad I trusted the process.
Remember: I'm not a doctor, and I can only speak from my experience. Since elementary school, I've tried a number of different OCD/Anxiety medications (from Zoloft to Luvox to Viibryd, just to name a few). Some have worked better for me than others. The best thing you can do is is to find a good psychiatrist, advocate for your needs and keep an open mind. During these difficult times, don't forget to take care of yourself.
