Four Surprises in Transitioning off My OCD Medication

Bii for now Viibryd!

With Luke and Lily as our puppies, we already have a family.  My heart is full, but my husband and I would still like to have human children someday.  The medication that I was on for OCD is not generally considered safe for pregnancy, so something had to change before we could move forward.

I found a psychiatrist with fertility experience, and through discussions with her and weighing pros and cons, we agreed I would try going off of my medication.  

This has been a big step for me.  I started on Zoloft when I was in grade school.  I've switched medications around a number of times since then, but I've almost always been on something.  The few times I have been off meds, it hasn't gone well - everything inevitably crashes, and I end up going back on pills.

I've had psychiatrists and therapists tell me that I might never be able to go without medication.  I've also been warned that sometimes when you have an anxiety disorder, your natural anxiety levels can get so high that they can prevent you from getting pregnant or cause issues for the baby.  In some cases, it is actually safer for mom and baby if the pregnant woman is on something, provided the medication is approved for pregnancy and everything is overseen by a doctor throughout.  

The pill I had been on the past few years was a relatively newer brand without much research in terms of pregnancy. Since I would have to transition to something else anyway, and since I had been pretty stable for awhile, my doctor and therapist agreed that I would try going "clean."  This way, I have some time to feel it out before we start family planning.  Ultimately, if it doesn't work, I'll get back on something that the doctor approves for pregnancy.

I have been off of the pills for a few months now.  It has not been easy, but it also has gone much smoother than previous attempts.  That said, here are the four biggest surprises so far:


1.  Life has become an emotional roller coaster.

The highs are higher and the lows are lower.  Small setbacks can send me crashing down and feeling hopeless, but one good day can offset a week of the blues.  For better and for worse, every emotion just seems to be hitting at a higher level.

2.  Sometimes declines are unconscious.

Have you ever put on 10 pounds?  You don't notice it as it comes on a half pound at a time, and then one day you realize your pants don't fit.  My OCD symptoms have similarly snuck up on me.  For example, I didn't really feel my reassurance seeking behaviors and intrusive thoughts increasing day by day.  However, I realize now that they are considerably worse than before and it is something I will need to keep an eye on personally and in therapy.

3.  The anxiety and depression increased more than the OCD symptoms.

I was worried about my OCD getting out of line, but it is actually the anxiety and depression that have been the bigger bullies now that the medicine is gone.  Something as simple as balancing my schedule can seem overwhelmingly daunting, and I am constantly jumping to worst case scenarios in my head.  I wake up many mornings with a sense of dread completely unrelated to any intrusive thought.  So far, this generalized anxiety has been one of the toughest things to battle.

4.  It threw off my cycle.

I had no idea that getting off my medication would have an effect on the timing of my periods.  For a few months, I felt like I was getting my period every couple of weeks.  It wasn't until I went to the gynecologist that he explained that psychotropic medication changes can throw off your cycle because it is your brain that tells your body when to have a period (makes sense!).  To be safe, he did some tests, but everything else looks fine.  Luckily, he told me it should balance out, and this last month my timing seems to be returning to normal.


I'm about four months out now, and I just have to continue to take it a day at a time.  Maybe I will find a way to successfully use the tools from therapy to manage my symptoms on my own.  Maybe I will have to go back on some sort of medication.  For anyone out there on meds right now, there is no shame in needing medication.  Just like any other illness, you prefer not to have to remember a pill every day or worry about side effects, but if you need the pills you take them.  If going back on is what is best for me and my potential offspring, so be it.  But for now, Laura's Adventures in Brain Chemistry will continue.  Onward and (hopefully) upward!

The Reality of 13 Going on 30

When the Jennifer Garner movie 13 Going On 30 came out in 2004, I was 15.  The premise

Me at 13 at my Bat Mitzvah.

was fun and fantastical:  A 13-year-old girl wakes up one day as her 30-year-old self as if by magic.  She then has to figure out how to be 30.  Many jokes stem from her floundering about, feeling like she has no idea what she's doing.

Seeing it in theaters as a teenager was fun, but rewatching it recently, it didn't seem like such a fantasy movie after all.  I turn 30 on Saturday, and it kind of feels like I was a teenager yesterday, blinked and woke up like this.

Looking back on the past seventeen years, so many things are still the same...

• I'm still struggling with many of the same obsessive fears.
• I still want to turn to an adult for answers to like 95% of questions.
• I still doubt myself and feel like I have no idea what I'm doing basically ever.
• I still have not mastered eyeliner.

I don't feel like an adult.  I'm about to be 30... shouldn't I feel more together?  Shouldn't I feel more competent?  

At the same time, when I talked with some 20-year-olds the other day, I felt 500 years old.  It feels like being stuck in-between where I was and where I should be.

Time feels like it's racing faster than I can keep up.  My mom tells me to "make the most of what your life brings" and "enjoy your life," but this is sometimes easier said than done.  I'm an emotional mess a lot of the time now!  I see the path to sentimental old lady: each day I feel one step closer to becoming my great grandmother who cried at greeting cards.  

Getting older can make anyone existential, and with OCD and anxiety it can be especially hard not to focus on fear until it poisons the happy moments (Jennifer Scinto writes beautifully about this in an article for The Mighty).  As far as goals for my 30s, I hope to find more inner peace.  I hope to do a better job of actually applying suggestions from therapy even when it's hard or daunting.  I hope to spend less time worrying and complaining and more time finding joy in my day-to-day.  

Sometimes, when I think about my birthday, I feel overwhelmed and like crying.  But, as my dad has reminded me, getting older certainly beats the alternative.  For anyone freaking out about aging, I feel the most empowered when I embrace it with pride.  The years of life experience have value and there's no need to shy away from them.

I've been putting off starting the gratitude journal my therapist recommended, but I know there is so much to be grateful for: I have a husband who understands and supports me.  I have wonderful family and friends.  Even if I can no longer drink without a hangover, I can still walk and swim and play with my puppies.  So this Saturday, I hope to put on a dress and my birthday crown and smile.  

8 Reasons I Cried During Disney's Aladdin

Cue the water works.

I have been transitioning off of my OCD/anxiety medication, and to say it has been an emotional roller coaster would be an understatement.  

I experience waves of feelings with such intensity that it overwhelms me.  Unfortunately, a lot of these feelings are also negative - from anger to profound sadness.

Well, I saw the live action remake of Disney's Aladdin while in the middle of this transition period.  The original Disney classic came out in 1992 when I was three and was very important to me as a little girl.  With all the nostalgia about to ensue, the situation was ripe for a breakdown.

And the breakdown was real.  So much crying.  Overt sobs at one point.  Don't get me wrong, the movie was beautiful, but I was also in a state.  Nostalgia is hard, but it's even harder without medicine.  

Please note the SPOILER ALERT here if somehow you are not familiar with the Aladdin story.  (Also, please go and watch the classic cartoon immediately and then go see the remake!)  Here, for your viewing pleasure, I've compiled a list of reasons that an emotionally unstable, anxious, unmedicated 29-year-old woman cried during a Disney movie remake.

Pre-Film 

1.  The Music in the Lion King Trailer  (Hans Zimmer got me.  Also just the idea of Mufasa.)

2.  The Walt Disney World Commercial (Being at Disney was so wonderful.  My family is the best family.  What if I don't get to go again?  When did I get so old?  I don't want to get old.  I don't want my parents to get old.)

The Film Begins

3.  The start of "Friend Like Me" (Will Smith is trying his best but Robin Williams will never be matched.  And now he's gone and that light in the world won't be repeated.)

4.  Jasmine is perfect looking.  (How can someone be that beautiful?  I'm getting old.  Why am I not that beautiful?  All I wanted when I was little was to be Jasmine.  Imagine what an honor to actually play that dream role.)

5.  Aladdin pretends to fall off the balcony on to the magic carpet.  ("A Whole New World" is about to be sung.  I'm not ready.)

6.  "A Whole New World"  (I am not ready. Overtly sobbing through the whole thing and barely seeing any of the actual footage.)

7.  Aladdin sets the genie free. (What a nice thing to do.  Imagine what it would it feel like to be free for the first time.)

8.  Aladdin and Jasmine get married. (They're in love and it's a wedding and it's beautiful.)

I realized stepping away from it that most of these are ridiculous tear triggers that my anxiety and emotions just took off with (Obviously not Mufasa.  Always cry for Mufasa).  I hope that this is a temporary issue and that things will balance out.  

For now, I am lucky that I have a family of saints who are able to find humor in the situation and take it in stride.  Sitting between my husband and my mom in that movie theatre, I had support on both sides and hands to hold - and they only laughed at me a little.  Sometimes, when the emotions get too intense, that's the triumph: we just have to laugh.

The Midas Touch

My hubby recently had to get an oil change and it reminded me of this amazing situation that occurred right before our wedding. Amid all the wedding planning chaos, I didn't get to write about it then, but it is definitely worth sharing.

Wedding planning is stressful, and when you are trying to process the gravity of the step you're about to take, balance the emotions associated it, work three different jobs with three different schedules, and go about necessary errands... it isn't always easy to stay calm, cool and collected.

Healing cars and hearts.

Different needs tend to collide at once, and I found myself with a car that needed a check-up and very little time to do it.  After much stressing over scheduling, by some miracle I found a time to setup to check in at our local Midas.

And then I learned that I wasn't going to be able to make the appointment.

This was the moment I cracked.  Between stress and anxiety and a jam packed schedule, I had reached my overwhelm limit and started crying: drunk-sorority-girl-at-a-frat-party-who-just-got-dumped level crying.

So, naturally, I decided it was fine in this state to call and cancel my appointment with Midas.

I picked up my cell phone and dialed, letting the man at the end of the line know that I was extremely sorry, but I couldn't bring in my car today because something had come up.  It is unclear how much of this message really got across clearly because crying Laura is an incomprehensible hot mess.

I will never forget the way he reacted.

He let me know that it was no problem.  Then, with genuine concern in his voice, he asked me if everything was okay.  He said that I sounded really upset and if I needed to talk, I could feel free to stop by Midas and he would be happy to talk about whatever it was.

I reassured him that I would be fine, and as I hung up I already felt somewhat better from finding this unlikely ally.  

As women, we are generally taught that other women will be our strongest emotional support.  Whether we like it or not, in America women are raised to express emotions and empathy while we rear men for independence.   As a culture, men are taught to hold back their feelings: "Boys don't cry."  With this mindset, it is common to see men who have no idea how to react to a woman in tears and are very off-put by intense emotional displays. 

But, in that moment, here was this man...and this wasn't even just an average man.  This was a man's man: the kind who works on cars for a living.  And yet, here he was, recognizing suffering in a stranger and trying to offer some sort of comfort, not wanting to let me off of the phone until he felt sure that I was okay.

It was unexpected in the most refreshing way to see someone who was that traditionally masculine who still had developed emotional sensitivity.  It would be great if our culture moved more in this direction, not only for the sake of supporting women but also for the mental health of our men, who should feel free to explore their emotions and communicate about feelings without judgement or ridicule.

When I told my fiancé (now husband) the story, we both had to laugh that I had become so hysterical that even the man at Midas was like, "Someone needs to help this person."  However, I hope that someday we live in a world where this is the norm, where both men and women can recognize strangers in crisis and try to do their little bit to help.  A world where mental health stigma has been replaced with understanding and empathy.  That would certainly be a triumph.

Meanwhile, I will remain a customer of Midas for life.  

Poetry & Mental Health

As an English major, I always enjoyed poetry - the way wordplay and rhythm can come together to make you smile, hurt, laugh and cry. Poetry often focuses on emotion, giving it a natural connection to mental health. Poems are such a unique way to connect with the experiences of the poet, and they can articulate feelings you may have trouble expressing yourself.  It can also be cathartic for the authors, as writing poetry becomes a type of therapy. (For more information on the therapeutic benefits of writing, check out this article from the American Psychological Association.)  

Recently, I came across two poetry books by Cleveland authors that delve into the gamut of human emotions: Angeline Walsh's Bad Psychiatry: and Other Aptly Themed Poems and Eric Dettelbach's Lyrics for Lucid Dreamers.  As a disclaimer, I am not being paid by either author to discuss these books.

Walsh is a young woman who contacted me after finding my OCD blog on Facebook.  Many of her poems touch on the pain of mental illness, but she also has poems that focus on hope and happiness.  Written over years (she told me that one of my favorite pieces, "Weathering it All," was written when she was just seventeen), her poems reflect the ups and downs of life.  While some were clearly written from a dark place, others reflect a joy of spirit.  

Dettelbach's book is not directly focused on mental health, but like Walsh's touches on the emotional highs and lows that come with moving through life.  He is actually a coworker of mine, and I helped him type up years of notes to put together his book.  It was interesting to see the different tones from poem to poem, again ranging from despair to delight.  His focus on relationships - from romantic encounters to the experience of adopting a dog - highlighted just how much our connections with others can impact how we feel and who we become.

Though these authors lead very different lives (different genders, ages, marital statuses), they share so much.  It's easy when we are going through a tough time or having a mental health issue to feel so alone.  I'm so glad there are writers out there putting their feelings into words and sharing these experiences that show how alike we all are.  We see their pain, but we also see their perseverance and growth.

Publishing a book - especially a collection of personal poems - takes guts. Letting yourself be vulnerable isn't easy, and I applaud them both for the triumph of putting themselves out there. 

A Perfect Wedding Weekend

Guest's-Eye View.

May 19, 2018 was the day I had waited for my whole life: Wedding Day.

Naturally, as someone with anxiety and OCD, I spent a lot of time leading up to the wedding worried about all of the things that could go wrong.  

Well, the Saturday of the wedding a lot of those worries came true and then some.  For example, it POURED after I decided that we should get married outside (because surely the rain would hold out).  The chuppah and multiple floral arrangements were completely destroyed and my hair had significantly fallen by the time of the service from the humidity.  During the ceremony, the rabbi read the wrong traditional vows (not the ones we had chosen) and a baby babbled throughout, distracting me from our personalized vows.  The cake looked nothing like the picture, and the DJ started our choreographed dance before we were ready so we started off balance. 

But guess what?  Even though many of my fears were realized, it was still a perfect weekend.

I am not going to lie to you and say that I did not get upset when some of these things occurred.  I felt so many things that weekend...  Happiness.  Nostalgia.  Lucky. Angry.  Amused.  Sad.  Overwhelmed.  Excited. Grateful.  Anxious.  

But the overarching feeling was love: love for Nathan, love for family, and love for friends.  Even as the blunders piled up, nothing could ultimately overtake the overwhelming joy at the significance of the day.

My OCD and anxiety crept in of course, especially on Sunday.  My anxious brain was doing what it normally does and I found myself very focused on the negative.  I was frustrated and angry at myself for choices I had made that caused problems (like not calling for an indoor ceremony).  I was also feeling guilt and self-loathing at the anger and frustration I had experienced on what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life.  

My sister Linda (the maid of honor) really helped calm me down.  With OCD, it is common to judge and doubt yourself for your thoughts and feelings.  She reminded me that my feelings were all very natural and that overall the day was wonderful.  She suggested that I make a list of all the fun, wonderful details from the day so that I would not forget them.  

Watching the Royal Wedding early in the morning with my Mom, sister, and bridesmaid Katie... Being surprised by morning chocolate strawberries Nathan sent to the suite... eating chicken nuggets with my bridesmaids while we were all in curlers getting ready at the hotel... entering the ceremony with my dad and seeing everyone I love watching me walk down the aisle... Nathan and I getting our footing back and nailing our tango... Dancing with my sorority sisters.... Eating cake back in the suite with Nathan after the party.  All of these moments are mine forever.  (I also got some fun details I had missed by asking friends and relatives to share their favorite moments with me.  I recommend all brides collect their own lists!)

Nathan with his new wife, bro-in-law, and sis-in-law.

I pulled myself together ultimately, and that Sunday afternoon was a continuation of a wonderful weekend.  My family, Nathan and I got dressed up again and my bridesmaid Megan took family pictures of us with our dog Gus.  Then, Megan continued to lead mom, Nathan and I on a photoshoot around Cleveland in the perfect Sunday weather.  We captured a lot of photos we never would have gotten otherwise, including shots on the rocks in Lake Erie (Now that the wedding was over, I did not have to worry about the dress getting wet!).

The spot we said our vows on Pearl Island.

In terms of the rabbi reading the wrong vows, Linda also came up with the great idea of privately reading our chosen traditional vows to each other while we were on our honeymoon in the Bahamas.  We made our intended promises on top of a lighthouse on Pearl Island in Nassau... a spot so perfect, another young man proposed to his girlfriend up there that same day. 




My advice to anxious brides is to remember that when the people you love are there, nothing can ruin your wedding.  Enjoy every second of your wedding weekend.  Love is the ultimate triumph.  When you are marrying the right person, you get your fairytale.  The logistics of the weekend will work out.  

Focus on the positive and remember that some of those "errors" can ultimately lead to more beautiful memories.  After all, if the rabbi had not read the wrong vows, we never would have had our moment on top of the lighthouse.

Bridal Neuroticism

No veil can hold back all these feelings.

My wedding is less than two weeks away, and I am in a feeling frenzy.

By this I mean that I am experiencing all of the feelings.  All of them.

My new therapist said from our first meeting that she hates weddings because they cause so much stress and conflict.  I have been lucky in that my mom has taken on most of this stress through planning the rehearsal dinner, wedding, and out-of-towner brunch.  We haven't faced any crazy levels of conflict either... but a wedding is a wedding.

Nobody can save me from the emotional significance of my wedding day.

My anxiety disorder has compounded with the natural anxiety of being a bride. This has lead to an experience of intense volatility, and I am moving through the whole gamut of human emotions hour by hour: from elation, to despair, to anger, to amusement, to frustration, to excitement, to irritation, to anxiety, to contentment.  It is not about cold feet or doubt as to whether the marriage is the right thing; it is like marriage has initiated some kind of emotional existential crisis.

My thought processes move like this:

It will be lovely to move into a new house with my new husband.
I NEVER GET TO LIVE AT MY HOME WITH MY FAMILY AGAIN.

We get to really start building our own family!
WHAT IF I CAN NEVER GET PREGNANT?

I love my fiancé, he is so handsome and kind.
WHY IS HE SLEEPING?! I NEED TO TALK TO HIM! HOW COULD HE DO THIS?

My fiancé and I get to spend the rest of our lives together.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE? 

I can't wait for my wedding!
THIS IS THE LAST TIME ALL YOUR FRIENDS WILL BE TOGETHER.

I wish I could stay focused on the positive and joyful pieces of the now, but when you have anxiety, the darker thoughts always find a way to mix in somehow.  You are often worried about the future or upset about the past.  Having OCD can make this hard as well, as thoughts that you don't want to have seem to stick the worst.  Therapists will recommend mindfulness techniques, but it can be very hard not to get caught up in your fears.

Now, I am the first to admit that a high level of irrationality has taken hold. This was proven to me the other day when I called the auto-body shop to cancel an appointment.  I was mid-major crying breakdown as I dialed (functional even mid-frenzy).  I was so hysterical on the phone that the worker let me know that I could still come there if I needed to talk to someone.  You know you have reached maximum-crazy-woman-potential when the man at the car shop is offering you emotional support.

I have strong logic skills, so my irrationality is always interestingly tempered by some understanding that I'm being irrational.  For example, yesterday when we went to get our Ketubah (the Jewish marriage contract) framed, the woman was curt and dismissive of us, and I was very perturbed. I refused to go anywhere else that day to handle the errand.  

I was irrationally upset, and all I wanted to do was call customer service and rant, but I also didn't want anyone to lose their jobs or be punished.  I mean, this woman was probably being paid minimum wage which isn't enough to care about anything really.  I realized the call would be useless, consisting of me saying that I was wronged but refusing to say when or by who.  

I played out what I would say in my head, but I never called. I took a nap instead.  Lucky for Michael's customer service line, I am not good at lashing out.  Truthfully, I think the world would be a much happier place if more people took naps instead of calling customer service.

After that nap, I woke up and through the rest of the day and night continued to move up and down through the emotions.  Today has been exactly the same.  It's fascinating to experience (if understandably somewhat frightening to spectators).  I'm just trying to move through and hopefully not cause too much collateral damage. 

The wedding is now 11 days away.  I'm lucky enough to get to marry the man of my dreams, and if it takes an emotional rollercoaster to get to the alter... at this point I just need to laugh and enjoy the ride.  Getting to have him as my husband at the end of the day will be the ultimate triumph.