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| Off-Brand Zoloft! |
It has been awhile since I've written, but let's be honest - Life is a little crazy right now for literally everyone. The pandemic crisis is hard on everyone. With major changes to social, professional, and family life, even without anxiety, it would be hard to process everything.
With OCD and anxiety, and off of my medication, things became unbearable. Even before the civil unrest, I was struggling to cope with all the changes and the disappointments. I quit my tutoring job and took on more hours at the appraisal firm I assist at, my husband and I decided to postpone our plans to start a family, I couldn't see my parents or friends like before, we couldn't go to Disney as planned... I was crying. A lot. My anxiety was skyrocketing, and I was feeling depression and hopelessness.
So, after discussing how I was feeling with my therapist, it was clear that it was time to call the psychiatrist and admit that I needed some more help. Here are 5 lessons I've learned getting back on OCD/Anxiety Meds:
1) It doesn't mean you have failed if you need to get back on medicine.
I was off my medicine for almost a year, and up until the COVID-19 crisis, I was actually doing pretty well. I delayed getting back on the medicine because I couldn't help feeling like I was failing. I wanted to be able to just suck it up. I would never judge anyone else for being on medication, but it was hard to practice what I preach. However, I ultimately was able to rationalize that getting a little help from medicine during one of the most stressful periods my generation has ever faced was nothing to feel shame about. Also, I'm able to be on a much lower dose than before. Small victories!
2) It is okay to take things a day at a time.
One of the reasons I got off of medication in the first place is that I want to be off meds for pregnancy if possible, or at least on something that is safer than the meds I was on before. Another reason I delayed getting back on medicine was the feeling that I was making a long term decision and worrying about pregnancy.
However, with COVID-19, our plans to start a family have been postponed at least a year. Worrying about it now is really getting ahead of myself (which my anxiety makes me fantastic at!). My therapist and psychiatrist both assured me that I could taper off again later if I was feeling better, and my psychiatrist started me on something that is better tested for pregnancy in case I still need to stay on it.
3) Something that didn't work years ago may work better now.
When I was in high school, Zoloft worked great for me for years. At one point, I switched from brand name to generic Zoloft and it was a hot mess: lots of sadness and crying. I switched back to Zoloft, but then when I stopped taking it for a bit, it didn't really work the same when I tried to get back on.
When my psychiatrist suggested trying Zoloft again (now approximately a decade later), I was skeptical and I was even more skeptical when I realized I got the generic. However, I'm glad I didn't close myself off to it because its actually working really well now at a fraction of my former dosage. Mental health meds are weird.
4) Side effects are real, but some do taper off!
Even on a dose that is at least a quarter what I've taken in the past, I still experienced some side effects when I started. The first couple of days, I can only describe feeling WEIRD. It just felt like something was wrong. Then, like I've experienced when messing with my OCD meds before, my period was thrown off a bit. However, there was also something very new: I started to have insomnia (the opposite of my norm!). The good news is that after a couple of months, the insomnia has really tapered off and things seem to be regulating back to normal.
5) You can't medicate away a global crisis.
Maybe this is obvious, but it's also important: everyone is feeling anxiety right now. COVID-19 is scary because of the unknowns - and that is what anxiety feeds on. My therapist has reminded me that everyone is struggling right now. With other crises also dominating the news cycle, from racial injustice to unemployment, it would actually be a little concerning if you weren't feeling anxious. Medicine can help you get by, but it won't make these stressors completely disappear.
5) Adjusting to medication can be like effective dieting - the gradual changes do add up.
When you get on an SSRI like Zoloft, it isn't like an immediate change after the first dose. However, when you find the right pill, you do slowly improve. It really is like losing weight... you won't notice a major change night to night, but one day your brain just fits better. I wanted to quit at first because all I felt were the side effects without feeling a benefit. Now, a couple months out, I'm really glad I trusted the process.
Remember: I'm not a doctor, and I can only speak from my experience. Since elementary school, I've tried a number of different OCD/Anxiety medications (from Zoloft to Luvox to Viibryd, just to name a few). Some have worked better for me than others. The best thing you can do is is to find a good psychiatrist, advocate for your needs and keep an open mind. During these difficult times, don't forget to take care of yourself.
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| My heroes. |
One of the best exercises my therapist recommended to me was a fairly simple one: Take time every day to think about what you're thankful for.
It's a nice way to get out of your negative headspace. Sometimes it's so easy to focus on the negative: on the mean things people have said, on the work that isn't done, on the goals that aren't being met. Whether it's anxiety or depression (or both) getting you down, when you're in a negative tailspin, it's hard to remember how much is actually going right.
Some days are easier than others. Any day you see a puppy in a costume is an easy day to think of joy. Holidays and special events are easy too. But even on a bad day, there are still small silver linings if you look for them. On the days that are the hardest and saddest, it still helps to try and pull a few tiny pieces of positive out of the muck.
Some people write a gratitude journal, but I hate seeing my own handwriting. I knew if I tried a journal I would just avoid the exercise rather than look at my chicken scratch. Instead, I pulled my husband in for accountability and we do the exercise verbally, each taking turns saying three things we are grateful for each day before we go to bed.
The exercise has shown me how small changes can make a difference. At first, it seemed like a silly, throw away exercise, but actively taking the time to concretely verbalize the positive really does help lift my mood. Bedtime is a particularly anxious time, and it's nice to end the day on a good note.
I also think sharing the exercise has made it even better. Sometimes my husband and I share the same highs, and sometimes they're different. It's fun to see day to day what stands out to each of us.
Whether you suffer from anxiety or not, I recommend throwing this into your routine. If you like to write, write them out. If you prefer to type, type them. Share the exercise with your spouse or your child. If you live alone, I still think it might be a fun exercise to share with a friend - promise to text each other each night with your top three moments.
With exercises like this, I think the most important thing to keep in mind is not to get down on yourself if you fall off the wagon. Forgetting for a night, a week, or even a month doesn't mean you have to abandon the process. Every attempt is a triumph - an active step away from toxic negativity. If you slip up, you can always try again tomorrow. This is one assignment that won't be graded, and that's just one more thing to be grateful for.
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| Cue the water works. |
I have been transitioning off of my OCD/anxiety medication, and to say it has been an emotional roller coaster would be an understatement.
I experience waves of feelings with such intensity that it overwhelms me. Unfortunately, a lot of these feelings are also negative - from anger to profound sadness.
Well, I saw the live action remake of Disney's Aladdin while in the middle of this transition period. The original Disney classic came out in 1992 when I was three and was very important to me as a little girl. With all the nostalgia about to ensue, the situation was ripe for a breakdown.
And the breakdown was real. So much crying. Overt sobs at one point. Don't get me wrong, the movie was beautiful, but I was also in a state. Nostalgia is hard, but it's even harder without medicine.
Please note the SPOILER ALERT here if somehow you are not familiar with the Aladdin story. (Also, please go and watch the classic cartoon immediately and then go see the remake!) Here, for your viewing pleasure, I've compiled a list of reasons that an emotionally unstable, anxious, unmedicated 29-year-old woman cried during a Disney movie remake.
Pre-Film
1. The Music in the Lion King Trailer (Hans Zimmer got me. Also just the idea of Mufasa.)
2. The Walt Disney World Commercial (Being at Disney was so wonderful. My family is the best family. What if I don't get to go again? When did I get so old? I don't want to get old. I don't want my parents to get old.)
The Film Begins
3. The start of "Friend Like Me" (Will Smith is trying his best but Robin Williams will never be matched. And now he's gone and that light in the world won't be repeated.)
4. Jasmine is perfect looking. (How can someone be that beautiful? I'm getting old. Why am I not that beautiful? All I wanted when I was little was to be Jasmine. Imagine what an honor to actually play that dream role.)
5. Aladdin pretends to fall off the balcony on to the magic carpet. ("A Whole New World" is about to be sung. I'm not ready.)
6. "A Whole New World" (I am not ready. Overtly sobbing through the whole thing and barely seeing any of the actual footage.)
7. Aladdin sets the genie free. (What a nice thing to do. Imagine what it would it feel like to be free for the first time.)
8. Aladdin and Jasmine get married. (They're in love and it's a wedding and it's beautiful.)
I realized stepping away from it that most of these are ridiculous tear triggers that my anxiety and emotions just took off with (Obviously not Mufasa. Always cry for Mufasa). I hope that this is a temporary issue and that things will balance out.
For now, I am lucky that I have a family of saints who are able to find humor in the situation and take it in stride. Sitting between my husband and my mom in that movie theatre, I had support on both sides and hands to hold - and they only laughed at me a little. Sometimes, when the emotions get too intense, that's the triumph: we just have to laugh.
