One of my most nonsensical OCD annoyances right now is my time card obsession. It constantly evolves and I just can't seem to shake it.
My work time card is basically the bane of my existence.
It should be so simple... go to work, clock in, work, clock out. Add the hours at the end of two weeks. Lots of people do this and don't give it a second thought.But instead, with my OCD, it turns into checking and double checking and docking time and worrying. So much worrying.
I ask myself so many "what ifs" related to work timing:
What if you clocked in before you actually started working?
What if you clocked out after you finished working, and the delay in opening the app means the clock already moved to the next minute... so now you're getting paid for an extra minute you didn't work?
What if the math is wrong and you're overcharging?
What if you weren't truly working the whole time and you're cheating?
It's always OCD worries and fears related to stealing and dishonesty... Like just an over-the-top concern I will be getting money I didn't earn. Unfortunately, this leads to compulsions like docking time from myself when I get home. I logically understand that my fixation on this and minute by minute concern isn't normal and my boss would never expect me to do this, but I can't stop.
The issue is that OCD is amazing at workarounds. If you come up with a way to make things easier, your OCD can come up with a new way to make it hard. For example, if I try to avoid my time docking compulsion, instead my OCD brain suggests maybe I should keep working a little bit more after I have clocked out to make sure I am not getting overpaid. And even though I now have an app for my time card, my OCD brain still wants me to double check the entries - I write each entry in my planner and double check my app entries against my daily texts to my mom. To try to stop the worry that I didn't actually check, I make check marks and underlines to try to prove to myself that I did... but I find the worries are still creeping. Ultimately, I know each compulsion is just feeding the problem.
My therapist has suggested some Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) style work with this. She says to try just clocking in and out one day without giving in to my compulsion to dock time and to leave the office as soon as I clock out so that I can't give in to my compulsion to keep working. Instead of the compulsions, I would just sit with the anxiety and reminding myself that I deserve to be paid for my work. The goal is to see that I can overcome the anxiety and nothing bad will happen if I don't do the compulsions. Getting to work, clocking in and out and not worrying any more about it is normal.
But so far, I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. My fear of time stealing is so great that I worry I won't be able to shake it and will go into full blown panic. I'm not worried about going to jail or getting punished, I'm worried about being a bad person who steals. It's such an intangible fear, and the anxiety around it so so big that day-to-day it always seems easier to just cut off a couple minutes than to risk feeling like a fraud.
But the tragedy is that those couple minutes daily add up. Any fear of cheating myself or cheating my family out of the money I've earned is overpowered by the fear of theft, but I also feel guilty that I keep doing this when my husband works so hard. At this point, I've tried so many different ways of dealing with the problem except for actually facing the anxiety. I know ERP can be very successful, I just need to get the courage to do it.
If you're currently dreading your ERP homework, know that you are not alone. We just need to get up the courage to face it. Today, I did my underlines and my check marks, but here is hoping that I can muster up that courage soon to try the ERP for this and finally work around all the OCD workarounds.
