Gaslighting and OCD

Not a gaslight.

So I was recently reading about the fascinating psychological phenomenon of gaslighting.  For those who aren't familiar, it's a horrifying form of abuse. Dictionary.com defines gaslighting as: "to cause (a person) to doubt his or her sanity through the use of psychological manipulation." As Louis de Canonville further explains, it "is a form of psychological abuse used by narcissists in order to instill in their victim’s an extreme sense of anxiety and confusion to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment."

Now, gaslighting anyone would be reprehensible. But I started thinking about the tragedy of how easily a person with OCD could be manipulated.  


As I've talked about before, OCD means facing self-doubt regularly.  We can have trouble trusting our memory, especially surrounding our worst fears and obsessions.  This causes some of us to seek reassurance from others (even if this is ultimately an unhealthy compulsion). What would happen if our partner, family member, or friend was reinforcing those doubts?
The result would be terrifying.  When you actually have a condition that causes you to question your sanity, the last thing you need is someone playing this up. 
I've been lucky enough never to face this.  I imagine that as someone with OCD, you would immediately spiral downward.  Especially if you were unaware that this potential form of abuse existed, if would be so easy to fall into it... to become completely reliant on this other person to define what was really going on. The person could totally manipulate you however he or she pleased.

David Wolfe recommends, "If you feel like you’re being gaslighted in a relationship, it’s important to seek help."  I agree 100%.  
If you even have the slightest concern that this could be happening, talk to someone about it. Don't face this alone.


References/Interesting Articles:

- "Are You Being Gaslighted?" by Robin Stern, PhD.
- "10 Things I've Learned About Gaslighting As An Abuse Tactic" by Shea Emma Fett
-"10 Signs You Are a Victim of Gaslighting" by David Wolfe
- "The Effects of Gaslighting in Narcissistic Victim Syndrome" by Christine Louis de Canonville


(Also... for anyone who was hoping this was really about physical gaslights, check out my uncle's site: www.nationalmantle.com) 

What Candy Crush Taught Me About Living With Anxiety

Mom indulging in a favorite pastime.

Candy Crush Saga.  Most of us have played it at least once.  For many, it has eaten up hours if not days of our lives.  (I'm currently on Level 375... For perspective, my mom is on or above Level 1752.)

It might seem like a frivolous time suck, but I've gained some real knowledge from my Candy Crush experience.  As a girl with OCD, I've discovered that Candy Crush offers more than just a distraction... It has actually taught me some key lessons on how to live with anxiety.  

Hear me out:

Lesson #1: Sometimes you need a little help.

There are levels that I've only gotten through because of a booster of some sort.  Such is life.  When you have anxiety and you feel overwhelmed or unable to move past the thoughts in your head, it's easy to feel like a failure.  At those times it's important to remember that it's okay to need a boost occasionally. A boost in life can be many things, from social support to therapy to prescribed medication. Whatever help you need, it is alright to seek it out.

Lesson #2:  Give it 5 tries, then take a break.

After you lose 5 Candy Crush lives, it takes time to recharge before they let you play again. Though many people find this annoying, it is actually a great strategy to take when something is bothering you and making you feel anxious. If you've given it multiple attempts and are still facing failure, take some time off. Rejuvenate.  It's perfectly acceptable.  Then, you can get back to it refreshed and ready to face the challenge.  (Don't just listen to me, check out this article I found on an OCD page from the Harvard Business Review, "Resilience is About How You Recharge, Not How You Endure".)

Lesson #3:  Sometimes things are hard that aren't supposed to be.

Candy Crush tells you when you are facing a "hard level."  But sometimes it's the so-called easy levels that wind up being the most challenging.  The truth is that we all have different journeys and sometimes we will find that something is difficult without warning.  You can't let it get you down, you have to keep fighting. 

Lesson #4:  Things don't always fall into place.

You have to learn to accept that sometimes it isn't your fault, the right combinations just didn't materialize.  That's something you have to live with in your daily life.  Don't allow yourself to get caught up in possible alternate scenarios and blame yourself for fate.

Lesson #5: I can do anything I set my mind to.

I've often been at Candy Crush levels that I have deemed impossible.  Multiple times, I have decided never to play EVER AGAIN because it would be pointless to try and continue.  But every single time, I have been drawn back in and eventually beat the so-called unbeatable level.  Candy Crush has shown me that as much as I worry, nothing is impossible.

Did King create Candy Crush, with an entire magical world that held parallels to our own, to help make me a better, stronger person who was more capable of handling the anxieties of life?  Probably not.  But sometimes you find life lessons in the strangest of places.  If it took a social media game to help me find some zen, I'll take it.  Candy Crush triumph.

Real Doubt

Artsy, introspective photo. :-P

I quit my new job.  Just 7 days under my belt and I quit.

And I quit because of doubt.

Now, I've mentioned before that self-doubt is a major part of OCD.  I can doubt things that other people easily dismiss.  For example, when I was obsessively worried about stealing, I would doubt whether I paid for an item at the store.  When I was obsessively worried about driving, I would doubt whether I ran over a squirrel.

Doubt can eat you alive.

But here's the thing.  OCD doubt is different than real doubt.  If you learn to really examine your feelings and be introspective about it, you can learn to discover which doubts are legitimate.  For example, sometimes you actually do forget to lock the house or you do leave the curling iron on and it isn't an OCD check, it's a real check.  Learning this difference between feelings of OCD doubt and feelings of real doubt can help you fight the OCD kind.

The triumph to my quitting is that it wasn't OCD related.  It was a doubt to the core, a feeling that what I was doing wasn't right for me and that I should take a different path.  

Now, I'm working on starting up my own tutoring business.  I'm thinking about finally publishing my memoir (Eugh! Please ignore how pretentious that sounds). I'm taking my career into my own hands and not letting OCD stop me. I'm still sorting through doubts, but I know I'm getting better at it.

I hope that others fighting can learn to do the same.  Don't be deceived by doubt.  Keep going and learning and sorting.  You can do this!

Gus - A Dog in Therapy

A calm Gus in session.

On Friday of last week, I went to therapy with my dog, Gus.  I do not mean that I took him to my therapy session, I mean that I went to his.

Now, some of you may remember that my dog is a complicated person...  I've written about Gus's anxiety before.  He's a unique snowflake and like the rest of us has personal battles within himself.

You'll be glad to know that he is still doing well on his anti-anxiety medication prescribed by the behavioral specialist.  He is also currently working through therapy. (You know what they say: Often a mix of drugs and therapy can be the most effective treatment regimen!)  

I had never actually been to a therapy session with him until Friday.  He always just went with my mom and dad.  But last week I went along too, to see what it all was about.  
What would I discover about the depths of the Gus?

What I learned is that effective dog therapy for anxiety is a lot like effective cognitive behavioral therapy for OCD. They're teaching him behavior modification and hoping to decrease his anxiety, which is one of the same goals that my therapist has for me.  Yes, my therapist and I get more into the "cognitive" aspect, but a lot of it is the same: Change your behavior to change your story.

The therapist also talked about Gus's worries, which squeezed my heart because I totally understand being consumed by worry.  She said that she used to see the tension in his face.  I could totally relate to that "worry face"... my mom can always tell when I'm having OCD concerns just from looking at me. 

But now the therapist says she is seeing less worry and tension on his face. He's improving!  It's nice to know that the therapist sees a positive change in Gus.  I know he will continue on his path to "Good Boy."  He's already the best.

So today's post is dedicated to Gus's triumph.  I love that my handsome, sweet, nerdy fluffhead is winning the battle against his inner demons.  May we all be that successful.

Not Just a Lock: In Honor of OCD Awareness Week

It's never just a lock.

So, as some of you may know, it is the IOCDF's OCD Awareness Week!

For those of you who are unfamiliar, IOCDF stands for International OCD Foundation.  They offer great resources and support for OCD sufferers, family and friends.  Feel free to check them out.

So, with #OCDWeek in full swing, I was left to wonder: What is it that I really want people to be aware of?  I write about OCD on a regular basis, but what is one key point that I want to press for this, the week of awareness.

I've decided on this:  It's not just a lock.

You have to look beyond the surface.

To take the literal example:  Let's look at people with OCD who are afraid that they left the door unlocked and check... and check and check.  For them, it isn't a question of a careless mistake.  They are worried about what could happen if that door really was left unlocked: Plagued by worries of their house being broken into, or their dog being stolen, or some other horrible vision, their anxiety rises up to an unbearable level. They do their compulsions and checks to kill that anxiety and reach a feeling of "okay".  They often don't see the odds; they see the catastrophe.  It's not just about the lock: It's their whole sense of security. 

There is real pain and suffering here.

And the lock example is just one that can be explained in a paragraph.  From intrusive thoughts, to constant self-doubt, to compulsions that don't always make sense to others, OCD can be much more insidious and the connections much more complicated.  

So learning to stop those compulsions and live with that anxiety, it's hard.  The therapy is work.  And trying to get help when there's so much stigma and misunderstanding out there?  That's courage.

So please take this week seriously and raise that awareness so more people take OCD for the serious disorder that it truly is.  The more we choose a path of understanding as opposed to fear, the more we will triumph going forward.

The End of the Job Hunt

My job spreadsheet.

As some of you may remember from a few posts ago, I was on the job hunt. Well, not anymore.  Triumph:  This girl got a job.

For someone who has anxiety, the waiting game was murder.  I created a job spreadsheet to keep track of my progress, and looking at it now is pretty interesting.  Let's consider the numbers:

21 - Jobs applied to between August 17 and August 30.
13 - Jobs that just ignored me.
5 - Flat out rejection emails.
2 - Jobs with false hope.  One of the jobs they gave me a phone interview and then called me in for an interview.  Before we could schedule it, they filled the position.  The other job they told me to wait for a telephone interview "sometime next week" (already putting me on edge for days) and then I found out from the recruiter they had made an error and were already at the offer stage with someone else and wouldn't be calling.  
1 - Job success.  

My advice to anyone with anxiety looking for a job is to remember that it's a numbers game.  People would tell me that, and it's 100% true.  You can't take rejections personally and you have to stay tough and keep putting yourself out there.  It's easy to start obsessing over waiting to hear back, but it's a frivolous exercise.  Instead of freaking out over applications that are pending, focus your energy on putting out more applications. 

For the one job offer that I received, I went through a four step process: phone interview, writing sample, in person interview, and finally a project.  That being said, this company was very quick to get back to me at every stage. They are a recruiting firm, so they have a real understanding of the job search process and are compassionate toward candidates.  I even told them that I had OCD during my interview and they were super accepting about it.  I love that I was able to be myself in the interview.  It seems like I have found an extremely nurturing environment to grow my career.  

So now, onto new anxieties... anxieties such as: How do I know if I'll be any good?  How can I be sure I'll like it?  Are my coworkers going to like me?  Is my boss going to like me?  How long will it take me to "get it"?

Better to focus on the excitement and positive possibilities than drown in the negative ones.  Like most things, it's important to remember that only time will tell.  

nOCD - An App to Tap

We live in the tech age, so why not use that technology for good?

The nOCD app is doing just that:  They're helping OCD patients effectively go through Exposure Response Prevention therapy.

Now you may be asking, what exactly is Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) Therapy?  Well... it's basically the gold standard for OCD treatment and it works just like the title indicates.  You expose yourself to a trigger for your symptoms (one of your obsessions) and then you prevent your normal compulsive response.  

Quick simple example:  If you are obsessively afraid of the germs from touching the floor, maybe the therapist recommends that you touch the floor and then stop yourself from washing your hands and just continue with your day.  

Sound easy?  Well, when your anxiety level is through the roof, stopping yourself from performing a compulsion is anything but.  

This is where nOCD swoops in to help.  It's an easily accessible phone app that can help you with your exposures whenever and wherever you are.  You click on "On-the-Go" help and enter your obsessions and compulsions in real time.  They collect data that can be helpful in discovering things like when you're the most vulnerable to an episode and how intense your episodes are.  

The app also lets you schedule ERP sessions for yourself if you need.  It gives you "Response Prevention Practice" by helping you learn to live with uncertainty.   They even provide distraction if that's what you need, and will send you over to Facebook, Snapchat, or Youtube to help you get out of your own head.

Why do I love this app?

1.  It was created by OCD patients and OCD experts.  It was obviously created with the understanding of what it's really like to live with the disorder, not just theoretical mumbo-jumbo.

2.  It's free for subscribers.  They are helping you without draining your wallet.

3.  You can use it with your therapist.  Since a lot of ERP is done outside of the therapy session, this app can really help show your therapist how your sessions are going.

4.  The creators are just incredibly nice.  After speaking with Stephen Smith, one of the cofounders, and Gagan Bhambra, who works on the app's blog and with social media, I can honestly say that these seem like honest-to-goodness helpful people.  
 

The app is still evolving, and in about a month a huge update is scheduled to come out.  I can't wait to see how this app grows! For more information, you can visit their website: http://www.treatmyocd.com/ or check out their blog at: https://treatmyocdblog.com/

This app is a definite triumph in the advancement of OCD treatment.