Back on OCD/Anxiety Meds - 6 Lessons

Off-Brand Zoloft!

It has been awhile since I've written, but let's be honest - Life is a little crazy right now for literally everyone.  The pandemic crisis is hard on everyone.  With major changes to social, professional, and family life, even without anxiety, it would be hard to process everything.

With OCD and anxiety, and off of my medication, things became unbearable.  Even before the civil unrest, I was struggling to cope with all the changes and the disappointments.  I quit my tutoring job and took on more hours at the appraisal firm I assist at, my husband and I decided to postpone our plans to start a family, I couldn't see my parents or friends like before, we couldn't go to Disney as planned... I was crying. A lot.  My anxiety was skyrocketing, and I was feeling depression and hopelessness.

So, after discussing how I was feeling with my therapist, it was clear that it was time to call the psychiatrist and admit that I needed some more help.  Here are 5 lessons I've learned getting back on OCD/Anxiety Meds:

1) It doesn't mean you have failed if you need to get back on medicine.

I was off my medicine for almost a year, and up until the COVID-19 crisis, I was actually doing pretty well.  I delayed getting back on the medicine because I couldn't help feeling like I was failing.  I wanted to be able to just suck it up.  I would never judge anyone else for being on medication, but it was hard to practice what I preach.  However, I ultimately was able to rationalize that getting a little help from medicine during one of the most stressful periods my generation has ever faced was nothing to feel shame about.  Also, I'm able to be on a much lower dose than before.  Small victories! 

2) It is okay to take things a day at a time.

One of the reasons I got off of medication in the first place is that I want to be off meds for pregnancy if possible, or at least on something that is safer than the meds I was on before.  Another reason I delayed getting back on medicine was the feeling that I was making a long term decision and worrying about pregnancy.  

However, with COVID-19, our plans to start a family have been postponed at least a year.  Worrying about it now is really getting ahead of myself (which my anxiety makes me fantastic at!).  My therapist and psychiatrist both assured me that I could taper off again later if I was feeling better, and my psychiatrist started me on something that is better tested for pregnancy in case I still need to stay on it.  

3) Something that didn't work years ago may work better now.

When I was in high school, Zoloft worked great for me for years.  At one point, I switched from brand name to generic Zoloft and it was a hot mess: lots of sadness and crying.  I switched back to Zoloft, but then when I stopped taking it for a bit, it didn't really work the same when I tried to get back on.  

When my psychiatrist suggested trying Zoloft again (now approximately a decade later), I was skeptical and I was even more skeptical when I realized I got the generic.  However, I'm glad I didn't close myself off to it because its actually working really well now at a fraction of my former dosage.  Mental health meds are weird. 

4) Side effects are real, but some do taper off!

Even on a dose that is at least a quarter what I've taken in the past, I still experienced some side effects when I started.  The first couple of days, I can only describe feeling WEIRD.  It just felt like something was wrong.  Then, like I've experienced when messing with my OCD meds before, my period was thrown off a bit.  However, there was also something very new: I started to have insomnia (the opposite of my norm!).  The good news is that after a couple of months, the insomnia has really tapered off and things seem to be regulating back to normal. 

5) You can't medicate away a global crisis.

Maybe this is obvious, but it's also important:  everyone is feeling anxiety right now.  COVID-19 is scary because of the unknowns - and that is what anxiety feeds on. My therapist has reminded me that everyone is struggling right now. With other crises also dominating the news cycle, from racial injustice to unemployment, it would actually be a little concerning if you weren't feeling anxious.  Medicine can help you get by, but it won't make these stressors completely disappear.

5) Adjusting to medication can be like effective dieting - the gradual changes do add up.

When you get on an SSRI like Zoloft, it isn't like an immediate change after the first dose.  However, when you find the right pill, you do slowly improve.  It really is like losing weight... you won't notice a major change night to night, but one day your brain just fits better.  I wanted to quit at first because all I felt were the side effects without feeling a benefit.  Now, a couple months out, I'm  really glad I trusted the process.

Remember: I'm not a doctor, and I can only speak from my experience.  Since elementary school, I've tried a number of different OCD/Anxiety medications (from Zoloft to Luvox to Viibryd, just to name a few).  Some have worked better for me than others.  The best thing you can do is is to find a good psychiatrist, advocate for your needs and keep an open mind.  During these difficult times, don't forget to take care of yourself.

Indirect Coronavirus Fears

Please let me go to the one place
I can thrive in a fanny pack.

So, I saw someone posted an article about OCD and the Coronavirus panic.  Obviously for anyone with health related OCD worries, this is a nightmare.  Germs! Contagion! Death! The media is constantly fanning the flames of fear that these people are already very capable of fanning on their own. 

But I'm not a person with health related OCD.  I am 30 years old and in good health.  I survived a bout with the flu a couple weeks ago!  I live by multiple world class hospital systems (Go Cleveland!) and am lucky enough to have good insurance should I need care.  If I get the Coronavirus, I have a feeling I'll be in the 97% that make it.

Does this mean that my OCD isn't getting exacerbated by this pandemic scare?

Of course not!

Even though I am not worried about personally dying from Coronavirus, as someone with OCD and anxiety, there are many indirect ways I am panicking about Coronavirus.

The main issue is that at the end of April, my parents have planned a beautiful trip to Disney World and Universal Studios.  It will be my husband's first time there.  It will be my last time there as a free adult before I try to start a family of my own.  We have meals planned and every day charted out for maximum enjoyment.

What if we get sick and can't go?  What if the virus causes them to shut down the park?  

Now, I recognize that it is super bratty and privileged when people are dying to worry about your vacation.  But before you write me off as the most selfish person on the planet, please also know that an additional fear that I have is that I will get Coronavirus and then infect someone else who then dies because of me.

I'm already worrying about how I will be worrying right before the vacation about getting sick.  Again, I am not worried about personally dying from this, and I'm not normally someone who lets a little cold stop me from doing what I normally do... but because of this virus scare I know if I have any little cough or throat scratch, I will start catastrophizing.   Any possible sign that I have caught Coronavirus will send me in a tailspin wondering if I should stay home to save the immunocompromised from my infection.

I have been doing what any unstable worrier does in 2020 and have been googling terms from "Coronavirus" and "Coronavirus Florida" to "Coronavirus Disney."  Of course, there are no good answers, and there isn't any way to know how things play out over the next few weeks.  

I am going to have to fight my nature not to get sucked into the media's panic and just try to look forward to the trip.  Now will just be a chance to practice that serenity prayer and accept the things I cannot change.  As they say, "Que sera sera."

Electric Worries

Unfortunately, my OCD has gotten much worse lately.  

As with any chronic mental health problem, there are bound to be ebbs and flows through life.  What is particularly interesting to me though is the way that obsessions and compulsions can shift focus.

Lately, I've been worried a lot more about electrical fires.  

I can't imagine why this specific fear would come alive now any more than at any other time, but here we are.  When I'm leaving the house, I sometimes get major anxiety that some Final Destination style nightmare will occur while I'm gone... The thought process goes something like this:

If you left your lamp or computer plugged in, even if it's off, what if somehow it creates a spark that starts a fire?  What if the fire spreads through the house?  What if then nobody realizes the dogs are in their crates and nobody gets to them in time? 

or...

What if the computer is plugged in and was left on the couch?  What if then it overheats and that starts a fire? What if the fire spreads through the house?  What if then nobody realizes the dogs are in their crates and nobody gets to them in time? 

or...

What if the drier was left on?  What if then it overheats and sets the clothes on fire? What if the fire spreads through the house?  What if then nobody realizes the dogs are in their crates and nobody gets to them in time? 

I am aware that none of these worries make any statistical sense.  Even if you can find articles on the internet where these unfortunate scenarios occurred, many people every day keep their electric devices plugged in and leave the house without burning down their homes.  

Logically, I understand that these fears are overblown.  Unfortunately, that won't stop me from worrying or checking, unplugging, and turning things off.

All these multi-step disaster scenarios stem from the same fear: something I do or neglect to do is going to kill my precious dogs.  Even if there is only a .001% chance of some horrible event occurring, that event is so horrible to me that the compulsion to check to unplug or make sure an adapter is turned off often prevails over rational thinking.

Sometimes it is great love that leads otherwise rational people to do seemingly irrational things.  I know I need to get a grip, but it helps to see and understand where the behavior is coming from.  

My advice for today is to look at your compulsions or the compulsions of someone you care about from a different perspective.  Rather than just seeing an OCD behavior as a brain glitch, try to consider the root of it.  Even if the behavior seems "crazy" at first, often the root of it is very relatable.  Understanding this can help you have better compassion for yourself and others.

Wherever you are with your OCD journey, trying to maintain compassion for yourself is key.  One day at a time, y'all.  We got this.